Cultural Self Portrait

I Can Do Whatever I put My Mind To.

            If I had to pick a title for my culture or a theme it would be you can do whatever you put your mind to. My mother used to say that to me when I would say that I couldn’t do something. It was her way motivating and encouraging me to do the things that I thought were impossible. That saying is something that still resonates with me today. Although some of the challenges that I have faced are a lot harder to overcome than algebra homework those words still motivate me to try as hard as I can.

            I give all the credit to my Mother and my Grandmother when it comes to my upbringing as they would have called it. There were other relatives that had an influence but nothing like those two women. They taught me by example how to have faith in God, and what it meant to be a Christian. I went to a church that my Grandmother’s father started himself. It was and is a family oriented church all the members are family and we held meeting every first and third Sunday. There was a Sunday morning routine we woke up ate breakfast if my Mom had time to cook, got dressed and headed straight to my Grandmother’s house were my Mom would get yelled at for being late as she helped my Grandmother finish getting ready. If there was a program or a special event that was happening after the first service my Mom would also have to load the car with the food my Grandmother made for the occasion. Me, my little sister Chelsey, and my Grandmother all road together in my Mother’s car to attend service I don’t believe we missed a service my whole childhood. Those Sunday meetings were a big part of my life for years. The car ride to and from church were fun although most of the time I was asleep during one of the rides, but it was fun to have conversations about different family members those who I never knew along with the new happenings in the lives of the ones I did. Sunday services were definitely a huge part of my culture growing up it wasn’t only the service that was important it was the interaction with the people in my family.

Faith in God isn’t the only lesson that I learned from my Mother and Grandmother they also taught me right from wrong as well as how to treat other people especially my elders. There were two things that I knew were against the rules disrespecting anyone older than me “yes mam” and “no mam” were the only correct responses to most statements as well as any question. The other thing that could get you in more trouble than that would be lying and stealing. Those are rules that seem to escape parental lessons along with manners. “please” ,“thank you” , “excuse me” Simple phases that I am shocked to hear come out of a small child’s mouth these days, I would have been disciplined after forgetting a few to many times.   

            My Mother and my Grandmother were the masons that laid the foundation that my faith, beliefs, values, goals and traditions stand on. An important concept they taught me was that I should have respect for myself and that I should never allow anything to compromise that. They are responsible for teaching me to be strong and know that I always have someone greater than myself looking out for me no matter what. Along with that they taught me how to persevere and not to ever let anyone or anything stand in my way. They instilled the importance of being independent and never to depend on any man other than the one above. Both my Mom and my Grandmother were single mothers however they always had food on the table and a roof over their heads. That is one of the things that I admire about both of them although I want a dad for my children if he leaves or something happens I don’t want my children to know the difference as far as their standard of living is concerned.

            In addition to providing me with a strong foundation and in some ways teaching me to figure out how to deal with all of hardships and obstacles that have come along with those that I know are yet to come it also reminds me that I am stronger than I think I am.  I need that encouragement mainly because life is good but it is somewhat cyclical in that good vs. bad and easy times vs. hard times always seem alternate in an amazing balance. I believe that happens because life without problems isn’t life it’s a fantasy that would be extremely boring to live through. That might sound odd however I believe that the glass is always half full those problems are there to teach lessons that help you to grow, and that everything happens for a reason no matter how hurtful it may be. 

            My optimism and outlook on everything happing for a reason has been tested and to some degree it still is. The life I described where I was a happy child with all of my loved ones healthy and doing well of course couldn’t last forever. If it had I am sure I wouldn’t be writing this paper right now because I wouldn’t I be attending George Mason I also don’t think I would have ever move to Virginia at all.   

With most natural disasters there is a warning system, or something that might alert you that something is wrong. The only naturally occurring disaster that I can think of that really doesn’t give you any warning at all before it hits is an earthquake. They just start all of a sudden your whole house is shaking and you have no idea when it will stop or how bad it’s going to be. A serious of earthquakes that differed in severity would be the way I would describe what ended the life I had known. The first major earthquake hit when my Grandmother fell ill and passed away February 15, 2005. That was devastating to my mother especially, although my Mother is the youngest of five she was the child that assumed the role of making sure my Grandmother got to doctor’s appointments, church, the grocery store every Friday and taking here wherever she needed to go. They were very close which might be why her siblings were little to no help when their mother fell ill. Their lake of assistance caused a mini-quake. I lost a lot of respect for my aunts and uncles. I wouldn’t talk to them for months after Grandma passed, the only reason I reconciled my anger is because my Mother did. She taught me how to forgive although there is one uncle who I honestly have no respect for at all the only rationale I have for the small amount of anything is that my Grandma and Mother cared for him so anything that I will ever do for him would be because of the two people he hurt the most. That’s a whole different paper to talk about him.

The passing of my Grandma left me heartbroken she was the first person in my immediate family to pass way I didn’t realize how much that would hurt. I was fifteen and was in my freshman year of high school to say it was a ruff transition would be an understatement. While in middle school I had a large group of friends, by the end of eighth grade I knew everybody in my grade as well as a few people from the lower grade levels as well. High school was completely different I chose to go to the school where higher achievers go which apparently eliminated the whole eighth grade class. So I was alone with a different variety of students who came from the other middle school none of whom I knew so I was alone. In addition to that my parents were getting divorced which shouldn’t have mattered because Lonnie never lived with us it was upsetting due to the fact that he really didn’t seem to want any form of interaction with Chelsey or me. I would later realize that was for the best and should have stayed that way. All of these traumatic events happening at the same time triggered the defective gene Lonnie gave me to emerge. By the end of my freshman year I was diagnosed with a mental illness that will require medication to manage the symptoms it is a chronic problem so I will deal with it the rest of my life. Freshman year was awful, but my senior year was worse much worse.

July 2007 was the onset of the earthquake that shattered everything I knew it finished were the first left off. A simple stomach ache that lasted a little too long is what my Mother went to the doctor for. They said something was wrong and admitted her to the hospital for test, they then sent her to a specialist for examination of those result then to run a few more test. Her final diagnoses the terminal in most to all cases pancreatic cancer it gets the label terminal because there are no test to detect it early before it becomes stage four. It is also inoperable in most cases and due to the late diagnoses chemo therapy really has little to no effect. However I thought my Mommy would be different I hoped, prayed wished on a freaking star anything I could think of I just knew she would get better.

Her last week I just prayed for her to go in peace and to not suffer, she wasn’t really consciences by that time, but they had her on morphine to make her comfortable. Six months is what the specialist gave her. She was diagnosed in August although the original hospital visit was in July she passed away December 14, 2007. I graduated high school without my Mother, I started college without her, I will get married without her. Having to accept that she is gone is a excruciating pain that will never leave. My only comfort is that I know she would be proud of me I am doing exactly what she wanted me to do with my life. I also think she would be proud of the way I took care of Chelsey we are five years apart, I feel bad that she didn’t have Mom there for her as long as I did. I also know that my Mom wouldn’t want me to feel bad about the things I can’t change so I do my best not to although it is hard. I have no mother which means I am an orphan because Lonnie is a sorry excuse for a person let alone a parent.

Lonnie is my biological father. This is where most people would say that the sentence that statement about him being a sorry excuse for a person is harsh and that he’s my father as if that excuses his behavior. If doesn’t and if you think it does by all means you can claim him as your father is what I am tempted to tell people, but that the rule about respecting elders keeps my mouth shut. Its only older people who tell me that I know that I need to deal with the feelings I have in regards to him I mean he could have committed a crime that would make the other inmates beat him senseless of that’s what I’ve heard they do the sex offenders. Also there is this belief that him allowing us to move to Tennessee was some saintly act the belief is that he could have just abandoned us. That argument is flawed because he had alter motives and our aunt along with her husband wanted us to stay there with them. The problem with staying was that Columbus was our home and everywhere we turned there were memories of our Mother and Grandma so Tennessee seemed like it would be a new start. The question in hindsight is a new start to what?

  Lonnie started setting off alarms that I refused to listen to. The day after the funeral service for my Mother we meet his girlfriend plus her three kids. The meeting might have been fine if we’d know the woman existed prior to walking into Outback. Oh and maybe not the day after our Mothers funeral, but that’s how we meet her. Shortly after meeting her Lonnie began to insert benefits of them all living in a house together as in my sister, the girlfriend plus the three children all of whom my sister. I wanted to live independently in my own townhouse, I was exhausted from taking care of my sister. In addition to getting myself ready for school I had to make sure Chelsey was ready and that my Uncle picked her up to take her to school. Then I was responsible for picking Chelsey up in the afternoon, feeding her and myself, doing laundry for the both of us, making sure all homework was done and driving to our daily visit to see Mom. That was a lot in addition to an ongoing Project which had to be completed in intervals throughout my senior year it determined whether or not I walked at graduation as well as if I got the college prep diploma I worked four years to get. I just wanted a break to be a normal eighteen year old, but that’s not what I got in Tennessee.

If my life wasn’t already a mess Lonnie added his version of the Real World, the premise of the show was that seven strangers were picked to live in a house and they filmed the drama that came from roommate’s new living situation. MTV hired people to screen the participants to make sure the show was going to be entertaining. Lonnie could have worked for them because he created his own blended family version. I did live independently for like a month maybe two before the reality drama started just as it would on the television show.

The main problem is that my Lonnie’s woman was a complete one eighty from anything that was acceptable in as he put it “our world”. She was thirty with three kids however she acted and dressed younger than me, she wore her ten year old daughter’s clothes. She also still went out scantly clade to clubs with three kids and she was supposed to be dating Lonnie. I don’t know but that just seems wrong especially since she has a daughter she who immolated her every move. That’s just my opinion that I still refuse to change she too old for that. In addition to that clash of moral values there was the fact that I stressed to Lonnie every time he talked about the living situation. Chelsey strongly dislikes children she is the youngest child however that was in our family in this one she was the eldest. It was an epic saga of he said she said they did she did, I was accused of corrupting my sister and sabotaging what could have been a peaceful arrangement. Our half-sister, Nicole was also blamed and charged with the same offense.

Everyone was eventually blamed in some way then they were redeemed or condemned depending on what he wanted to come out of the conversation. He manipulated me until I got tired and began to put the course of events along with the conversations that surrounded them in to perspective. I realized rather quickly that Lonnie was living above his means and that the insurance money plus the social security money allowed him to do so with the added bonus of keeping the woman along with her kid’s happy. My sister was a check and I was a complication because I expected her to matter that her feelings be taken into account. Soon after my epiphany I planned my escape first because I had to be sane to execute the safe yet telling rescue of my sister.

To facilitate my plan I got a job which would free me of any forced fake family events, that way my sanity could be protected. I also played somewhat nice to the fake family I entertained Lonnie’s claims of my sisters evil deeds which were mere survival techniques. I applied to colleges in VA which is where I wanted to live after visiting on a Smithsonian trip that summer. I also decided to have cosmetic surgery there because I would have time to heal before I started school. It was a great that it was covered by insurance the results have made a major impact on my confidence level as well as eliminated all my back pain. When the time came to load up that budget truck I was so happy that was a proud moment I realized how smart and strong I really was because I carried out my own escape from that world of crazy.

Once I was far enough away I had to rescue my sister which was easy all we did was visit our aunt and uncle show them pictures as well as clear up some lies Lonnie had told. The truth always makes more sense than the lies he tells. My sister was rescued this summer. She is in her sophomore year at Columbus High School.

 Our contact with Lonnie is limited mostly in this economy you can’t afford to live that far above your means. He is currently working in Saudi Arabia I think without my sister’s check every month plus that all that debt he has he needed a paying job. Once I am done needed his taxes for the FAFSA form I am done with Lonnie it will be easier to forgive with some distance as well as limited to no contact. For the sake of length I left out a lot of the details but that the gest of it.

      Everything happens for a reason. Tennessee had its purpose I learned a lot about myself there. I now realize that it was the place where I fell down, got kicked, picked myself up, figured out how to keep myself up without help from anyone else but God, prepared myself to leave to make me happy, meet people who challenged my views on certain issues, and it now provides me with prospective any time I want to complain. Tennessee is a place I never want to see again but I do have respect for the events that took place there.